Dreariness

I just got dumped a few minutes ago. Well, I don’t know if dumped would be the right word since I was only seeing this guy for a month and we weren’t exclusive or anything. But it still stings.

I spent most of Sunday of the Labor Day holiday weekend with him. He took me to these gardens near his house, then we drove to a lookout on the Palisades Parkway, had dinner, then we went back to his place, where he sang and played guitar for me. Then we started making out and I had to interrupt and tell him about my HPV. He was too sweet and upstanding for me to ignore it and I felt he had to know before we took things any further. He said he was okay with it, but now I have to wonder. I stayed over his place overnight. We didn’t have sex, just fooled around, which I’m grateful for now. I would have felt really used now if we had. He drove me home yesterday morning. And figured things were fine. My hair suffered though. I had no idea that I would be staying over his place. I usually use a satin scarf or a satin bonnet to cover my hair at night to preserve moisture, but I didn’t have either of those and wound up having to sleep on his cotton pillowcase. My hair felt like straw yesterday morning. Many natural women report using satin pillowcases to preserve their hair and relationships too, since scarfs and bonnets aren’t exactly sexy. I actually did have a satin pillowcase but I have no idea where it is now. I took it with me when I went to Bermuda on vacation a few months ago and haven’t seen it since, so I presume I left it behind. I was about to invest in a new one.  Until a few minutes ago. When he called and said that while he was extremely attracted to me, he was going through a tough time emotionally and financially and as he felt we were progressing further, he suddenly realized that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He got laid off last year and has been freelancing since then, but I never held that against him. Several friends of mine have gotten laid off over the last couple of years. Some of them are still unemployed. It’s a horrible economy right now. He also said he was depressed, but he never seemed that way to me. Guess you never really know. He just wants to keep things light for now. I’ve been around the block enough to know that when someone mentions that they just want to be friends, it’s really a way of blowing you off. I’ve done it myself. I am a little angry too. Why did he pursue me when he wasn’t sure of what he wanted? Did my STD really freak him out after all? I avoided dating for over two years primarily because I felt the STD would scare people off and I felt I needed some time to work on myself. It was only within the last few months that I even entertained the idea of dating again, but I knew that if I was to start again, I’d have to change my approach or I would constantly keep being hurt or frustrated. So, now that I’ve done it and fallen off the horse, I don’t know if I want to get back on that horse again any time soon. Because I was starting to get emotionally invested in this guy when I knew I shouldn’t because of the chance of something like this happening. However, I’m amazingly calm. In my twenties, when I expected men to fill my emotional voids, getting dumped like this would’ve been devastating and I would have been in a funk for weeks. Now, while it stings, I know it won’t break me. Because I wasn’t looking for him to fill some void in my life. I was a whole person with a full life without him and I will be again. He was merely complementing my life, he wasn’t my whole universe. So, I’ll keep it moving, although the thought of dating someone else right now is just draining to me.

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