Anxious

So last night, a friend invited me to this mixer and fashion show event. I went, thinking I’d just be hanging out with her the whole time, like I usually do. When I do mingle, I end up chatting with other women. However, last night was different. An actual man actually chatted with me for awhile. Since he didn’t seem creepy nor did he give off a “dang, I’ma try to hit it” vibe, I was engaged in the conversation and didn’t try to blow him off. He asked me for my number before he left. He just left a message on my cell an hour ago and now I’m getting anxious.

I haven’t dated in two years. Nor have I wanted to, for many reasons. Among the main ones are that I have a form of HPV that I was diagnosed with nearly four years ago and it has yet to clear. I didn’t want to infect anyone else with it. I’m beginning to think I’ll have it for the rest of my life. Also, the long break has allowed me to really take a step back and examine what wrong with my previous relationships, because I’d never taken much responsibility for my actions within them before. Upon reflection, I realized that when I was younger, I tended to date men because I hoped that they could fill an emotional void within myself. Obviously, that was a disaster. If you aren’t fulfilled and whole emotionally, nobody else can make you feel that way.

I’m at a point now where I don’t feel that I absolutely need a man. I have a full life without one. A man would complement my life, not complete it. Another thing about many of my past relationships is that I tended to get emotionally invested extremely quickly and when they blew up, I’d get devastated. I’m determined not to do that this time. There’s no guarantee that anything will come of this and that it’s possible that I’ll just have a pleasant time with this guy for however long it lasts but I’m scared I’ll regress back into old patterns. I can’t wait longer than a day to call this guy back because then he’ll think I’m not interested and he was nice. I never expected to meet a man, but I know that you tend to meet one when you don’t expect to.

My hair was in the same twistout I’ve worn since Sunday. My hair doesn’t hold braidouts or twistouts well because it’s very fine, so I have to retwist or rebraid nightly. When I initially do the set, I’ll put it into 15-20 braids or twists, but for retwisting or rebraiding, I don’t  put any more than about 8 of them in. It only takes me about 10 minutes to retwist or rebraid, so it’s not that bad. I’ve tried the pineappling method (where you gather your hair into one big high loose ponytail) but because my edges are so fragile and my hairline is the thinnest part of my head, I feared straining them. You could also do three loose ponytails if you hair isn’t long enough to do one big one (got that tip from Ms. Elle!) but my hair just ended up fuzzy the next morning. So retwisting it is.

On the hair boards, naturals sometimes express concern that men will ignore them because their hair no longer conforms to the racist, Eurocentric standard of beauty where long, flowing straight hair is considered ideal. We have to realize that women aren’t the only ones being brainwashed by this meme. Men are too. And sure, there are guys that will pass up a natural woman in favor of a Beyonce wannabe. But if a man is shallow enough to only consider being with a woman for her hair, then he isn’t worth anyone’s time. You should be loved for what you are inside, not just what you look like on the outside. Honestly, I haven’t had a lot of male attention since I went natural, but I know it wasn’t just them. I wanted a break from them, so I knew I gave off vibes that told them to back off. I will say that the few men that have approached me since going natural have been more thoughtful and respectful and were not on the “Yo, whaddup Shawty?” tip. Players tend not to like natural hair. Natural hair can weed out a lot of losers, so in a sense, I’m thankful.

Now I just have to work up the nerve to call the guy I met last night back and not have high expectations.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: